Never Walk Away From a Funny Disagreement Quotes
Y'all know how the saying goes: Laughter is the all-time medicine. And in that location'due south and then much truth to that quondam adage. If you're having a bad 24-hour interval, or if someone you love needs a lilliputian cheering up, humor can aid ease the tension and create a little pocket of joy amid life's stresses.
This drove of funny quotes provides an array of ways to trigger that smiling and turn around someone's lousy mood. (Even if that someone is you!) Nosotros've got funny quotes well-nigh love, marriage, aging, parenting, and and then many more relatable topics. Grab your favorites for greeting cards, social media captions, or even just to print and hang above your desk-bound to serve as a petty reminder that life's not that serious — and we're all much better off laughing so we don't cry!
These funny quotes come from famous comedians like Betty White, Joan Rivers, Lucille Ball, and Phyllis Diller. Yous'll also notice laugh-out-loud quotes from your favorite timeless sitcoms similar The Role, and funny-but-oh-and then-wise movies like Steel Magnolias. So savor our listing and bookmark information technology to come dorsum to anytime y'all need a express joy.
Looking for more inspiration? Cheque out these poignant quotes for women and inspirational quotes about life.
Funny Quotes About Life
1. "Life is short. Drive fast and go out a sexy corpse. That's one of my mottos."
—Stanley Hudson, The Office
2. "There is no sunrise then beautiful that information technology is worth waking me up to see it."
―Mindy Kaling
3. "I ever cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
—Westward.C. Fields
4. "People say money is not the key to happiness, just I have e'er figured if you have enough money, you can take a central made."
—Joan Rivers
5. "Practise not take life besides seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
—Elbert Hubbard
6. "I generally avert temptation unless I tin can't resist it."
―Mae West
seven. "Sometimes y'all prevarication in bed at dark and you don't accept a single matter to worry nigh. That e'er worries me!"
—Charlie Brown
8. "The optimist proclaims that we alive in the all-time of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true."
—James Branch Cabell
9. "I'thou killing fourth dimension while I wait for life to shower me with significant and happiness."
―Beak Watterson
10. "You only live one time, simply if you exercise it right, once is enough."
―Mae West
eleven. "If at first you don't succeed, try, effort again. Then quit. No utilize existence a damn fool about information technology."
―W.C. Fields
12. "I love mankind... it'southward people I can't stand!!"
― Charles M. Schulz
13. "I think God, in creating human, somewhat overestimated his ability."
―Oscar Wilde
xiv. "Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to exist afraid of how much they honey me."
—Michael Scott, The Office
xv. "Two things are infinite: the universe and homo stupidity. And I'm not sure about the universe."
―Albert Einstein
xvi. "When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
―Cathy Guisewite
17. "Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It'south the transition that's troublesome."
―Isaac Asimov
18. "When I was growing up I e'er wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should take been more specific."
—Lily Tomlin
19. "I have a lot of growing upwards to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort."
—Zach Galifianakis
20. "I but desire to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've e'er wanted."
—Kevin Malone, The Office
21. "Whenever I'm about to practice something, I think, 'Would an idiot exercise that?' And if they would, I do not exercise that affair."
—Dwight Schrute, The Office
22. "Never put off till tomorrow what you can practise the day after tomorrow just as well."
—Mark Twain
23. "I'k non crazy — I've just been in a very bad mood for forty years."
—Ouiser Boudreaux, Steel Magnolias
Funny Quotes for Friends
24. "Well, you know what they say: If you don't take annihilation nice to say about anybody, come sit past me."
—Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias
25. "A woman is like a tea bag: You can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water."
—Eleanor Roosevelt
26. "Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, only what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks downwards."
—Oprah Winfrey
27. "Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be idea one-half as practiced. Luckily, this is not difficult."
—Charlotte Whitton
28. "I drinkable to make other people more interesting."
—Ernest Hemingway
29. "Vino is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy."
—Benjamin Franklin
thirty. "When you're in jail, a adept friend will be trying to bond you lot out. A all-time friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'"
―Groucho Marx
31. "I'yard not offended by blonde jokes because I know I'm not impaired. And I besides know that I'm not blonde."
—Dolly Parton
32. "I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my cupboard."
—Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the Metropolis
33. "Crying is for patently women. Pretty women go shopping."
—Blanche Devereaux, The Golden Girls
34. "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every 4 Americans is suffering from some grade of mental affliction. Think of your iii all-time friends. If they're OK, then it'due south you." —Rita Mae Brownish
35. "My friends tell me I have an intimacy trouble. But they don't actually know me."
—Garry Shandling
36. "People waste matter their time pondering whether a glass is one-half empty or one-half total. Me, I just drink any's in the glass."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Gilded Girls
37. "I don't care what they say about me. I just want to consume."
—Pam Beesly, The Function
38. "Don't waste so much time thinking about how much you weigh. There is no more than mind-numbing, dull, idiotic, self-destructive diversion from the fun of living."
—Meryl Streep
39. "Fifty-fifty I don't wake up looking similar Cindy Crawford."
—Cindy Crawford
40. "I don't trust anyone who does their own pilus. I don't recollect it'due south natural."
—Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias
Funny Quotes About Aging
41. "The underground of staying immature is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."
—Lucille Ball
42. "Honey, time marches on and somewhen you realize information technology is marchin' across your face up."
—Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias
43. "You know you've reached centre age when you're cautioned to irksome down by your doctor, instead of by the law."
—Joan Rivers
44. "People say, 'How you lot stay looking so young?' I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup."
—Dolly Parton
45. "Look, you lot didn't ask me for my stance, but I'thousand one-time, so I'm giving it anyhow."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
46. "No matter how bad things get, call back these sage words: You're quondam, you sag, get over it."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Gilded Girls
47. "Y'all know you're getting old when you stoop to necktie your shoelaces and wonder what else y'all could exercise while you lot're down there." —George Burns
48. "Age is something that doesn't thing unless yous are a cheese."
—Luis Buñuel
49. "Every bit you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't call back the other 2."
—Sir Norman Wisdom
Funny Quotes About Marriage
50. "Before you marry a person, you should outset brand them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are."
—Will Ferrell
51. "Women marry men hoping they will alter. Men marry women hoping they volition not. So each is inevitably disappointed."
—Albert Einstein
52. "I love you no affair what you do, just do yous accept to do then much of it?"
—Jean Illsley Clarke
53. "Love is blind merely wedlock is a real eye-opener."
—Pauline Thomason
54. "Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
―Phyllis Diller
55. "The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone."
—Dolly Parton
56. "The best way to become almost husbands to do something is to suggest that possibly they're too old to do it."
—Shirley MacLaine
57. "As a human in a relationship, you lot take a simple pick. You can either exist correct, or you tin exist happy."
—Ralphie May
58. "Behind every smashing human being is a adult female rolling her eyes."
—Jim Carrey
Short Funny Quotes
59. "The only affair worse than being talked nigh is non being talked most."
—Oscar Wilde
60. "The older you get, the better you go. Unless y'all're a banana."
—Betty White
61. "If you can't exist kind, at least be vague."
—Judith Martin
62. "Anybody who tells you coin tin can't buy happiness never had any."
—Samuel L. Jackson
63. "Reality continues to ruin my life."
―Pecker Watterson
64. "Don't be then humble — you lot are not that neat."
―Golda Meir
65. "Never miss a expert chance to close upward."
―Volition Rogers
66. "I've had nifty success being a total idiot. "
―Jerry Lewis
67. "Exercise things that brand you happy inside the confines of the legal system."
―Ellen DeGeneres
68. "Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company."
—Mark Twain
69. "Instant gratification takes besides long."
—Carrie Fisher
70. "Don't become around proverb the earth owes you a living. The globe owes yous nothing. It was here first."
—Marking Twain
71. "My tastes are simple: I am hands satisfied with the best."
―Winston Due south. Churchill
72. "All the things I like to exercise are either immoral, illegal, or fattening."
—Alexander Woollcott
73. "Whoever established the high road and how high information technology should be should be fired."
—Sandra Bullock
Clever Quotes and Sayings
74. "Be wise, considering the world needs wisdom. If you lot cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and then but behave like they would."
—Neil Gaiman
75. "Follow your passion, stay truthful to yourself, never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path so by all means you lot should follow that."
—Ellen DeGeneres
76. "People who retrieve they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who exercise."
—Isaac Asimov
77. "A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it."
―George Bernard Shaw
78. "Money can't buy y'all happiness, but it tin purchase you lot a yacht big plenty to pull upwardly right alongside it."
—David Lee Roth
79. "The lord gave united states of america two ends: One to sit on and the other to recall with. Success depends on which one we employ the most."
—Ann Landers
Funny Quotes Virtually Parenting
fourscore. "When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."
—Erma Bombeck
81. "I want my children to accept all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to movement in with them."
—Phyllis Diller
82. "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."
—Phyllis Diller
83. "Information technology is non easy existence a mother. If information technology were easy, fathers would do information technology."
—Dorothy Zbornak, The Golden Girls
84. "Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas."
—Paula Poundstone
85. "If you are not yelling at your kids, you are non spending enough time with them."
—Reese Witherspoon
86. "There is no such affair as fun for the whole family." —Jerry Seinfeld
87. "Everybody wants to save the earth. No i wants to help mom do the dishes."
—P.J. O'Rourke
Funny Quotes Near Piece of work
88. "Everything I have I owe to this job... this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing task."
—Jim Halpert, The Office
89. "An office is a place to alive life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true."
—Michael Scott, The Office
90. "So this is my life — until I win the lottery."
—Jim Halpert, The Function
91. "The all-time way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."
—Oscar Wilde
92. "Housework can't kill you lot, merely why take the chance?"
—Phyllis Diller
93. "I detest housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you lot have to start all over once more."
—Joan Rivers
94. "I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."
―Jerome K. Jerome
95. "I always arrive late at the office, but I brand up for it past leaving early on."
―Charles Lamb
96. "Housekeeping is similar being caught in a revolving door."
—Marcelene Cox
97. "The simply matter that always sat its manner to success was a hen."
—Sarah Dark-brown
98. "You can't have a 1000000-dollar dream with a minimum-wage worth ethic."
—Zig Ziglar
99. "All yous demand in this life is ignorance and confidence — then success is sure."
—Marker Twain
100. "Even if you lot are on the correct track, you will get run over if y'all just sit there."
—Will Rogers
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